Distributed by New York Times/Hearst News Services, 4/26/06

Parents Should Take a Break from Putdowns

by Allan Shedlin, Jr.

Mothers’ Day and Fathers’ Day are the days officially set aside to recognize and acknowledge the value of parents. The 35-day period between these two dates would be a perfect time to declare a moratorium on degra-parenting.

I have coined the word degra-parenting to describe the negative comments, or actions, that parents make to each other. Although these comments and actions are often inadvertent, they tend to undermine their partners and discourage them from practicing the very parenting behaviors desired.

Whether it takes the form of degra-daddying, or its evil twin, degra-mommying, the impact of degra-parenting is corrosive to family life. On the other hand, becoming more aware of its existence and working toward its elimination can have a salutary effect on families. After all, in a world whose daily parental challenges often outpace our ability to deal with them, engendering good will among family members can go a very long way.

In my four decades as an educator and parent, and more recently, as a parenting coach and grandparent, I have become increasingly aware of the powers that parenting partners have to encourage and discourage each other in their roles as mothers and fathers. These powers are widely unrecognized and rarely discussed.

In my parenting observations and coaching practice I have also become more cognizant of the prevalence of putdowns – both subtle and blatant – that mark the interactions between increasingly stressed parents.

It is not rocket science to understand that degra-parenting has negative consequences. Although degra-parenting is most destructive when it occurs in front of children, feeling put-down, whether in words or by a partner’s actions, is always uncomfortable.

The father who angrily leads his wife into their child’s classroom to confront the teacher about an issue his parenting partner has tried to address in a gentler and more deliberate manner, is disparaging and demonstrates his lack of confidence in his wife’s approach.

Here’s another example of degra-parenting from a conversation I had with a woman in the last month of her first pregnancy. As she anticipated some of the responsibilities of a newborn, she told me that even though she had not yet seen her husband change a diaper, she was sure he would not do it very well. When I asked her how she knew that, she answered, “Trust me, he never pays attention to things like that.” She continued, “He’ll probably not make it tight enough, or he’ll put it on inside out, or he might even try to save time and prepare it before it’s needed and then try to slip it on over her head…”

I praised her for beginning to think about sharing parenting tasks and told her it was lucky she “knew” her husband might need some practice in this area. I asked her how she planned to respond when he handed her the baby after his less-than-perfect diapering. She looked at me, and while rolling her eyes, said, “Well, if I was sleep-deprived I might say something like, ‘can’t you even put a diaper on right, it’s not all that difficult?!”

I commended her for her honesty and asked her to predict how he might respond. “Oh,” she said, “He’d probably say something like, ‘I really didn’t want to do this anyway, you do it better than I do, so you can do it from now on.’”

The next question I asked her was one I suggested she might want to ask herself: “Is this the response you would want from your parenting partner?

As parents become more aware of the prevalence of their degra-parenting, and more vigilant about controlling such behavior, they might want to take a closer look at why they degrade their partner in the first place. For instance, did this mother-to-be really want to be the “gatekeeper” and the primary parent? By examining her words and thinking more deeply about what prompted them, she could:

·        Gain some insights into her parenting expectations and biases

·        Increase parental understanding

·        Come to appreciate that different ways of doing things like diapering are “different,” not necessarily better or worse

·        Work toward building a more supportive parental partnership

·        Help assess the consequences of what parents say and do as moms and dads.

Degra-parenting often takes the form of sarcasm, is frequently subtle and off-handed, and may be delivered with a smile. But its impact on kids, as well as parents, is always serious – even if it is not always obvious and immediate.

The daily dynamics and interactions children experience at home are usually the most formative influences in their lives. These interactions, more often caught than taught, are what establish the patterns and habits of later life, influence the ways individuals treat each other, and shape the parent each child may one day become.

Who knows, during a month long degra-parenting moratorium we might even find we have some extra energy to think about ways to encourage our parenting partners during a time when such partnerships are more important than ever.