Distributed by New York Times/Hearst News
Services, 11/22/06
Presence for the Holidays
by Allan Shedlin, Jr.
This is the time of year when I wish my ad-laden
newspaper came with a hand truck so my back won’t go out as I haul it
inside. With Halloween, Election Day, and Veterans’ Day behind us, it’s
full steam ahead to The Holidays
and the intense hype that accompanies them. As we begin building our
respective gift lists, we might consider establishing a new tradition:
creating wish lists for holiday presence,
rather than presents.
As retailers jockey for advantage, the flurry of gift
buying advertisements builds to a blizzard earlier and earlier and comes at
us from every conceivable (and inconceivable) angle – cold consumerism
fills our television and computer screens as well as our mailboxes. With the
retail giants now displaying Christmas items in early September, and mail
order catalogues being delivered as early as Labor Day, the days without
holiday hype may soon be outnumbered by
those with it.
This commercial blitz makes it harder to think about
the unique opportunities the holidays provide for deeper meaning. I’ve
spent the past few months asking scores of people I meet to tell me what
they remember about their childhood holiday celebrations – not a single
person began with a memory of a specific gift they received. Instead they
spoke about traditions, tastes, smells, sights, places, visitors, and, most
of all, about feelings. Their responses reminded me of a saying I read on a
refrigerator magnet a few years back: “the most important things in life
are not things.”
Winter holiday
celebrations are times of unique anticipation and intensity – veritable
Kodak moments of the heart and soul. They account for an inordinate number
of deposits in our memory banks at the same time as they are hyped by
retailers in direct proportion to the contribution they make to end-of-year
profits. The advertising pitches demand that we find just the right presents
(and there are now Web sites that will do it for us!) – especially for the
children on our lists. But as we look into our own holiday memory banks, the
yield is more of presence than presents; and there is little doubt
that the dividends are much greater.
The importance of presence does not surprise me when I
think about the abundant research that documents the benefits to the child
AND the parent of positive parent-child involvement. This has been supported
in the research I’ve been conducting with children, young adults, parents,
and grandparents during the past several years. During hundreds of hours in
28 focus groups in three countries, I asked children and young adults what
qualities they would include if they could create the most excellent parent
they could imagine. Not surprisingly, the quality they most desired was that
their parent(s) be there for them,
really be there. In my subsequent
interviews with parents and grandparents I asked what qualities they thought
the kids most desired. It was not surprising that the adults “guessed”
correctly, and added that this was the same quality they most wanted to
cultivate, because they remembered that this was what they had most wanted
from their parents.
We should not underestimate how challenging it will be
during a period of hurtling parenting to make time for presence – that’s
one reason that presence is so valuable and valued. Nor should we
underestimate the difficulties inherent in making the switch from presents
to presence in a culture in which consumerism is often out of control;
individual and family debt is more common than ever; and parents often make
up for their lack of presence by buying presents – especially during a
season known for its excesses and hysteria. Here are some ways parents and
grandparents can begin to emphasize presence over presents with children and
each other:
- Have a family discussion about holiday traditions and introduce the idea of establishing this new one – include your rationale and encourage discussion.
- Ease into this new tradition: perhaps beginning this year by matching each present with a presence.
- Ask each family member how each would like to define and spend the gift of presence: reading a good book, having a regular meal(s) together, going for a walk, playing a board/card/video game together, regular reading of a bedtime story, etc. If possible, build the presence into a routing, so it doesn't feel contrived.
- Be creative: give "presence coupons," create a "Presence-of-the-month" gift.
- Begin with small steps and amounts of time (be aware that a teenagers’ worst nightmare might be spending a whole day with a parent); remember that it may be best to keep the time spent together brief so more is wanted, rather than when you are both feeling “will this ever end?!”
- Think back about what you most enjoyed – or wished for – regarding parent presence when you were a kid.
- Make the off button on your TV remote, cell phone, and Blackberry PDA your ally, if not your dearest holiday friend.
- Consider expanding the holiday presence list outside your family.
As we draw up our holiday gift lists this year, we might do well to think of the popular charge card pitch line, “There are some things money can’t buy.” Then, to our credit, our holidays can overflow with an abundance of presence – priceless!
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Allan Shedlin is a writer, educator, and parenting coach, living in the greater Washington, DC area. He has been a NYC school teacher, principal of the Ethical Culture School in NYC, founding executive director of the National Elementary School Center, and a national educational consultant. He is president of DADS Unlimited, Project Director of the DADS Across America Tour, and he is currently writing a book titled Lifelong DADDYING: What It Takes To Be the Dad You Want To Be. His E-mail address is ashedlin@daddying.com.
