Distributed by New York Times/Hearst News Services, 5/10/07
Goodbye, Mr. Mom– on Mothers’ Day & Forever More!
by Allan Shedlin, Jr.
Today’s dads are not likely to be asked the question
I was asked 40 years ago when I brought my year-old daughter to the local
playground in my New York City neighborhood: “Are you baby-sitting
today?” Today’s dads are dramatically more present in playgrounds, in
pre-natal and parenting classes, at school conferences and events, at
library story hours, as well as pushing strollers and carrying their infants
in baby carriers. Unlike Michael Keaton’s character, who was forced into
the role of “substitute mother” after losing his paying job in the 1983
movie Mr. Mom, increasingly, men
these days are more likely to embrace their shared responsibilities as
active dads. To reapply an advertising slogan made popular during the height
of the women’s movement, we can now look at the increased involvement of
dads in all stages of their children’s lives and exclaim, “You’ve come
a long way, baby.”
But despite this greater involvement and shift in the
paternal parenting landscape, we still tend to refer to dads who are
involved and nurturing parents as “Mr. Mom.”
Thinking of and labeling a dad’s nurturing parenting as maternal or
feminine betrays a lingering habit and underlying sense that when men are
nurturing, they are somehow not being “manly.”
In 1994, I coined the term “daddying” to describe
the active, involved exuberance of my parenting, and the parenting of other
men I knew. The word fatherhood seemed passive and dull; flat and
one-dimensional. Its gerund, “fathering,” suggested a one-time
biological act, requiring no
greater commitment than a bit of DNA. “Daddying” seemed to me to convey
the sense of the lifelong process
that I relished as I embraced my responsibilities for my children’s
well-being: physical, emotional, social, intellectual, creative, moral and
spiritual. Becoming a parent changes one’s identity instantly and forever.
This new word, daddying, not only
captures that fundamental change, but also embodies the realization that
fathers matter – in their presence as well as their absence.
For the past eight years I have conducted hundreds of
hours of daddying interviews in three countries, across all age, ethnic, and
socio-economic groups. During my earliest interviews the word daddying
often stuck in my throat because it seemed to feel awkward and I was
concerned that it would seem uncomfortable and trite for the fathers I was
interviewing. But, to my surprise, the use of the word itself seemed to give
men “permission” to be in touch with a tender side of their personality.
Although my interview question protocol required only 40 minutes of a
dad’s time, the average interview lasted two and a half hours! Defying
gender stereotypes, men were not only willing
to talk and share their feelings, they were actually eager to do so.
What better gift to mothers – and fathers – on
Mothers’ Day, than to use the occasion to stop defining a man’s
nurturing parenting as “playing Mr. Mom?” Describing a father’s
paternal instincts as feminine or “motherly,” not only does not
accurately reflect the display of nurturing behaviors that are more
prevalently being demonstrated by dads, but it discourages the positive
rethinking of parenting roles and responsibilities that most parents say
they desire. Expanding the roles of fathers from “breadwinner” and
“disciplinarian” to include “nurturer” and “stay-at-home dad,”
holds great promise for a more balanced family dynamic and expands
possibilities and outcomes for moms, dads, and children alike. It:
- Acknowledges human and social interdependence;
- Is more tolerant of a wider array of possibilities and relationships;
- Removes significant traditional barriers to human development;
- Broadens our potential for self-fulfillment and self-actualization; and
- Minimizes arbitrary and constricting gender role expectations that pigeon-hole and handicap both women and men.
Why do we still refer to “maternal instinct” yet
question the existence of “paternal instinct?!” While not minimizing the
validity, importance, and unique gender-related qualities of each of these
instincts, we might want to consider using the four weeks between both
Mothers’ Day and Fathers’ Day to drop the gender qualifier and refer to
this behavior broadly as parents’ “nurturing instincts.”
This change might lead some to suggest that we just
combine the two celebrations of parenthood into a celebration called
“Parents’ Day.” I don’t think that would be a good idea – nor
would the greeting card companies and broader retail world! The more
opportunities we have to acknowledge the roles that both parents can play,
the better. Moreover, the different ways that mothers and fathers nurture
their children contribute to improving children’s overall well-being, as
well as the well-being of the moms and dads who nurture them. These
differences should be celebrated, not homogenized.
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For more information, to arrange an interview, or request Mr. Shedlin as a speaker, please contact: Scott Beller, Director of Communications, DADS Unlimited, sbeller@daddying.com